Ausom, Inc.

Is there anything more poignant than a princess bed?

2007-03-01T17:34:00.000-06:00

To some hideously self-indulgent parents, the answer is clearly no. The rest of us wonder why it's so hard to turn on the night light and lock the door.

This cannot be stressed enough. Go ahead, scroll down. You may recognize "Ahmed" as our favorite $tallionaire, Real (sorry, Chance). Well, after Miss NY kicked off Mr. Boston, I can't say I'm too interested in the outcome.

Luckily, Top Model has started up again (thank God) and lest everyone forget who called the winner back in September, well, it was me. This season has no end of earthly delights. Hooray!

Also, I saw Apocalypto a couple of months ago. Don't listen to the haters, it was rad.

TONE POEM

2006-10-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

One of these things is just like the other:

Except not this thing:

Nothing's right, I'm torn

2006-10-13T15:44:00.000-05:00

It's like a black fly in my Chardonnay.

Bitch made Anchal cry!

2006-10-12T00:25:00.000-05:00

OK, so after Mon-EEK got kicked off last week, we all breathed a little sigh of relief. Alas, not for long. Her exit has allowed this season's true villain to step forward. I should have seen the obvious signs (by which I mean similarities to Jade) before--the kissing up to everyone, the piss-blond hair, the over-the-hill-ness, the nasty complexion, the tendency to undeservedly win challenges and then gloat about it--but Melrose had me duped. But seriously, what a bitch. I love it how in this season there are clearly two cliques: the Nice Clique (Anchal, AJ, Megg, Caridee) and the Mean Clique (Melrose, people too weak from not eating/stupid to disagree with Melrose). And what she was saying about Anchal--just because Anchal is way beautiful and also eats and is not 55 years old. Seriously, insecure girls who get on everyone else's asses to spread their insecurities really piss me off. Why can't they just direct it inward like the rest of us? And with that, Melrose has officially become ANTM's bitch-girl (which means also that, according to the rules of the show, she can't win). Speaking of winning, my money's on Caridee. She's crazy!

The Most Shocking Name in 2,000,000 Years!

2006-10-04T16:29:00.000-05:00

Rodan

The Flying Monster is not exactly a confidence-inspiring restaurant name. Still, the metaphor of a hideous Japanese-influenced chimera actually does a decent job of explaining the food and service at this establishment. The food was passable, although it would be a stretch to call it "good." The pork "cigarette rolls" are a lame attempt to appeal to smoking hipsters and actually taste nothing like pork, or, for that matter, cigarettes. The shrimp was fully cooked, but that's about the most that can be said for it. The wasabi fries were good, although I didn't get much wasabi taste from them. Their chief virtue was that they were fried a lot. The only good thing about this place was the lychee royale, a champagne and lychee drink that could be easily assembled at home with a trip to a Chinatown market and a bottle of decent prosecco. The service was execrable, and the fact that smoking was allowed at the bar made for an uncomfortable meal. The attempts at Wicker Park hipster chic (if such a thing can be said to even exist), from the emaciated hostess and kitschy name to the unfriendly waiter and CCTV bathroom "mirrors" that were actually broken, all came across as hopelessly lame. Basically this restaurant is like your emo cousin from Portland, OR: it tries way too hard.

Fall TV roundup

2006-10-04T14:34:00.000-05:00

Well, now that I've had a chance to view most of the candidates for the network chopping block, I thought I'd add my own well-considered opinions to the cacophonous, Alessandra Stanley-filled mess (personally, I prefer Virginia Heffernan, but then again, who doesn't?) that is September. While I often have a difficult time reviewing TV, because I so wholeheartedly love most television, this season's offerings have proven that even the most uncritical consumer of mass culture pap can find something to hate. But before we get to my scathing criticisms of the latest batch of offal, let's check in with some old favorites:

Grey's Anatomy

Still the most emotionally manipulative show on television, Grey's Anatomy continues to deteriorate in my estimation. While it's good to see Ellen Pompeo with a little more meat on her bones, I have to say that I find her character descending from narcissistic into just plain evil. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this batch of self-absorbed surgeons, who seem to use the genuine suffering of a couple of the characters (e.g. Izzie) as a launching pad for their own self-involved entanglements (e.g. Meredith's whole "you're that guy" speech to Chris O'Donnell--who is looking v. hot btw--where it's like, somehow you managed to make your friend's dead fiance about YOU). Also the fact that they've made Addison a genuinely sympathetic character makes it hard to give Meredith any benefit of the doubt whatsoever. I think the producers made a major mistake bringing her on permanently, even though she's the only reason I watch now, because it makes it harder to pretend that Meredith's actions are morally ambiguous--they're just plain mean. That said, Addison's drunken performance at the bar was priceless, and I'll probably keep watching to see if/when she gets revenge on skanky Meredith.

Laguna Beach

I love this show, even though there is absolutely nothing to recommend it. Still, Tessa seems like a sweetheart and she and Raquel seem like the only normal people to be featured on Laguna, well, ever. I'm rooting for both of them to overthrow Kyndra and Cami, the evil ugmos. Jessica's insecurities continue to have train wreck-like appeal. Cameron's vicelike grip on the female population of Laguna remains a mystery--sure, his abs are rock-hard, but he also looks a little bit inbred in the face. All in all, a delightful palate-cleanser amidst a week of serious TV-watching, even if I do have to switch between it and Project Runway every 5 minutes.

America's Next Top Model

While I don't know if my musings can possibly compare to the sublime fourfour recaps that I so look forward to every Monday, it is worth noting that the show has finally become sentient--it looks in the mirror and sees its true, campy self in all its redundant campiness. This has had some ill effects: I found the entire first episode almost intolerable, with special marks going to Tyra for her efforts to look like a complete spaz. Also, the fact that the show has abandoned all pretense of being a serious competition (which is an essential ingredient in reality TV) highlights the girls' increasingly pathetic emotional plight. Nonetheless, Monique is a bitch and I'm already rooting for Anchal, who is really quite lovely and sassy. The twins are also early favorites of mine. In summation, Tyra sucks more than ever, while the girls are one of the best bunches I've ever seen, drama and personality-wise. Also, I'm relieved that hard-to-forget Jade is becoming an ever-distant memory.

Law and Order: SVU

I'm on hiatus until Mariska comes back.

Battlestar Galactica

While I know the season premiere isn't till Friday, I believe I can state with confidence that its awesomeness is going to far outstrip all previous awesomenesss, because it is so awesome. I hope this season will bring us more glimpses into the Cylons.

Project Runway

I'll watch till the bitter end, but having seen their runway collections, I remain unimpressed. Why is it that after the first season no one's been able to put together a decent or even remotely interesting collection? Did they cut their budgets drastically or something? Or has the policy of giving them ever more ridiculous challenges under constantly shorter deadlines simply broken the poor designers' spirits? I'd go with the latter. I implore the producers of PR to give their designers more time--I'm sure America would rather see better-executed garments than another trash-stravaganza put together in 5 hours.

Degrassi: The Next Generation

Degrassi, the adventures of a preternaturally plucky bunch of cursed Canadian high school students, never fails to entertain with its mix of earnest after school special tackling of important topics and bad acting. There's also a self-awareness at work in Degrassi, largely due to the inclusion of some cast members from its previous iteration, who preside over the whole affair as elder statesmen of sorts. Paige rules, Manny is a skank ho, and Emma has surprised us all with her continuing transformation from gangly junior high ugly duckling to high school swan. It's good to see that Paige, Marco and Ellie will be sticking with the group as they tackle college life, although I'm convinced that Dylan will once again break Marco's heart. The season premiere was great, with its laughable admonition not to drag race, which, honestly, has anyone done since the 50s? Maybe things are different north of the border--I guess they don't have digital cable. Luckily, I do, so I can keep enjoying Degrassi as much as The N bothers to broadcast it.

House

While the subplot about the amorous teenage girl was kind of a non-sequitur, I sympathize with her spore-induced feelings. I mean, what red-blooded young woman doesn't love a prickly, unshaven, crippled middle-aged man with an acid tongue and fake American accent? It's a rhetorical question.

Lost

SEASON PREMIERE TONIGHT OMG!!!1

Desperate Housewives

It's nice to see Kyle McLachlan reprising his role of Trey McDougal. Seriously, what happened to him? He went from David Lynch's male muse to the go-to guy for uptight neat freaks of impeccable breeding, thin lips and maybe sexual dysfunction. That said, I find the most recent episodes a delightful return to form after last season's nasty business about the boy in the basement. The show only works when they're hiding dead people. The only sour note is Lynnette's predicament: having to deal with her husband's baby momma, who is a completely irredeemable character. The fact that her spineless husband is even speaking to this woman is enough to make me cringe, and I'm hoping Lynnette takes a real stand sometime soon. Still, Ever After's Dougray Scott makes a winning guest appearance and Teri Hatcher's comic timing remains spot-on.

Gilmore Girls

Somewhere along the line, this show went from one of my favorites to borderline unwatchable. Basically, all the characters are annoying, and it's high time it ended.

ON TO THE NEW SHOWS!!1

I'll start with the only good new show on TV and take it from there, in order of deteriorating quality.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

A welcome return to form from Aaron Sorkin, whose rapid-fire banter on the West Wing was sorely missed. Who cares if people don't talk like that in real life? I think they should. Matthew Perry was a simply brilliant casting choice and the chemistry between him and Bradley Whitford almost makes you forget about Josh Lyman. The only things that are a little bit grating are Amanda Peet's questionable office attire and the many references to Sarah Paulson's "talent" which have yet to be borne out. All I saw was her weak singing voice in that one skit. Still, D.L. Hughley and the rest of the cast make up for those weaknesses, and the cast is stellar as a whole. The writing is fantastic and actually makes you care about what happens to these people. I like it so much that I've even watched the reruns on Bravo with my mom. All in all, my Favorite New Show, and finally something to watch on Monday nights.

Ugly Betty

Many things about this show are kind of delightful, such as Salma Hayek self-referentially appearing as an overwrought actress on the telenovelas on TV. Still, no amount of braces and glasses can hide the fact that America Ferrera is lovely and sweet, and not the least bit ugly. It makes the name of the show and the hideous outfits she wears seem almost cruel. It would be enough to juxtapose her in some kind of conservative business attire with what passes for beauty in the fashion industry and let people make their own judgments. Still, I'll probably keep watching it.

Six Degrees

The only reason I've watched this show is that it comes after Grey's Anatomy. The only other reason I've watched this show is because Hope Davis is in it, and she's great. The photographer character is also sort of interesting but other than that there is little to recommend it, and the attempts at creating mystery via Erika Christensen's "box" are ill-conceived. I expected more from J.J. Abrams.

Brothers and Sisters

I loved Ally McBeal, and I love Sally Field, but this show kind of sucks. I don't think that even the formidable Desperate Housewives lead-in can save it. I just hope it doesn't sink DH along with it.

Standoff

I don't need to watch this show to know it sucks. Everything Ron Livingston has touched has turned to awful, except for Office Space, which was amazing. That was basically the perfect role for him, and now he can't really do anything else credibly in my mind. There's also something revolting about his stubble which makes it hard for me to look at him.

So basically the new shows suck, but the old shows are actually pretty good, so it's OK. I haven't watched some of the better-reviewed new ones but I may or may not get around to it. Most of my time slots are booked. Ah, the exhausting life of an amateur, unpaid, unread TV critic.

Next up, to show that I actually do have a life: Chicago restaurant and nightlife reviews! Also, look forward to a new segment: Recipes I Have Tried Recently. While I won't include the actual recipes, I will describe them!

It's super effective!

2006-06-17T23:36:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a while. There is a reason for this. I wrote a thesis, and at a certain point I read over most of my thesis-era posts and decided they weren't that funny or interesting. Sure, I was cracking myself up doing Lacanian diagrams but even Ari was like, listen that's kind of lame. However, now I have a diploma! That is basically all I have, though, except for a large stack of video games, endless cable television and the guest room in what I guess I'm going to have to refer to as "my parents' house." Yep, livin' large and at home. That is, if "large" is taken to mean "gaining weight from deep dish pizza and hot dogs while sitting on my ass." Let's just assume that's a given.

However, this setup has not precluded Fun Times. In fact, last night I had a delightful dinner at Mas (on Division and Ashland-ish I wanna say?) which involved a heavenly goat cheese empanada, some truly excellent tilapia and shrimp ceviche that overcame the cilantro (which really is saying a lot, because I absolutely loathe cilantro), and finally a delightful discovery: the coveted spinach and artichoke dip. The existence of said dip is pretty central to any good night out; or at least the possibility of attaining the dip is. Combined with a delightful jaunt to the Map Room, in which much Delirium Tremens was consumed, it was quite a pleasant night of it, the late-night McDonald's run notwithstanding.

So, that's my Chicago Chronicles of late. Upcoming news includes my evaluation of Season Finale Season as well a masterpiece on Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness as soon as I finish it. I can say right now that Battle Bingo is one of the most sublime minigames in existence, and there is something about creating "best circles" in the Purify Chamber that starts some kind of disturbing endorphin loop in my brain.

The Sausage of Dr. Mabuse

2006-06-17T23:25:00.000-05:00

So I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion, so let me just start out with a little caveat: Don't get me wrong, I love Hot Doug's. I have loved it since the day I set eyes (and teeth) on it, and the Jennifer Garner continues to satisfy a deep and secret corner of my soul. However, in the spirit of the thing, I always try the "Game of the Week." This week, it was the intriguing-sounding "Mountain Man," which featured pomegranate mustard and venison-caribou sausage. I say, hooray! I love venison, and pomegranates! What could be better?

The answer is just about ANYTHING ELSE. When the "gorgonzola dolce" cheese was listed last, I assumed it would sort of be a filler ingredient. Sadly, I was wrong. It easily took over the entire bun, and engulfed the sausage. The pomegranate mustard was reduced to a pink smear on the bun that reminded me of something I'd rather not say. There was also nothing dolce about this gorgonzola; as far as I could tell it smelled like a mountain man's B.O.

That, and this random old lady from out of town decided to sit down with me and Tha Rooch, at which point she admonished me for not finishing my Mountain Man. There are many reasons why I did not do this:

a) I had already inhaled a Jennifer Garner (spicy hot dog with all the delicious Chicago trimmings) in approximately 60-75 seconds.

b) I had eaten a significant quantity of both cheese fries and duck fat fries.

c) Did she smell the sausage? Because I dont' think she did.

Once I said that I'd eaten too much, she actually EXCUSED HERSELF FROM THE TABLE, because apparently she couldn't stand to be in my decadent, wasteful presence.

Then, to make things even worse, one of the girls who works there came up to me and Rooch as we were leaving and kept asking us why we weren't taking the sausage home. Because I thought "It smells like ass" probably wouldn't go over well, I just was like "i'm too full!" She then was kind enough to get us a bag so we could take it. Can't people take a hint? I looked like I was gonna vom. Seriously, I did not want that sausage. But what could I do? Needless to say, as soon as we got out of the car in Wicker Park we tossed the infernal thing.

I should've gotten a Gary Lazarski.

How to Read Umberto Eco

2006-03-31T11:13:00.000-06:00

So I finally cracked open How to Travel with a Salmon, which has been sitting on my shelf for about a year now, and I must say that I'm ashamed that I waited this long. I should have known from reading his afterword to The Name of the Rose that Eco is an uncommonly hilarious essayist, but Salmon has really driven the point home. I found myself laughing out loud in my apartment, curlers in my hair, about his encounters with the Coffee Pot from Hell. I must say, though, that my favorite anecdote was the one dealing with people you think you know, because Eco talks about running into Anthony Quinn on the street and almost saying "hi" to him and engaging in conversation before he realized that Quinn was a celebrity and not some half-forgotten acquaintance. This actually reminded me of a time in my own exciting life, when I was doing some research at the Avery Library at Columbia this summer and was waiting to meet my friend for lunch. Along the way, I ran into Julia Stiles. I did not know that she was Julia Stiles, but thought she was merely someone I knew from somewhere, especially because she was waking with a bike, as I happen to know a few Columbia students. So I calmly smiled at her and tossed off a noncommital "hey" as I walked past, as did she. Only about 50 yards later did I realize who it was, and I totally freaked out to myself. I guess the moral of the story is that if you treat celebrities like normal people, they don't think twice about it. I was also pretty proud of myself for being so unintentionally cool. But, there you have it. If ol' Umberto had smiled at Quinn and said hello, he may have gotten the same response. But I guess we'll never know.

Madness and Civilization

2006-03-26T19:09:00.000-06:00

You all will be happy to know that I have made disastrously little progress on my thesis this past month. Howevs, I had recently reversed that trend by listening to This American Life and spacing out while I wrote. Unhappily, the server is down. I really can't listen to anything else. Something about the combination of soothing narratives and mundanities that get boring after about 3 minutes make it absolutely ideal background noise. Maybe i need someone to read the phone book to me or something. Any takers?

The Unbearable Douchebagginess of Thesising

2006-02-28T19:52:00.000-06:00

If there's a quasi-contemporary critical theorist whose name I haven't turned into an adjective by the end of my 60-80 pages of hideous effluvium, I'm the queen of England. Fie, bloated lexicon! Fie!

Nothing Good Ever Comes of Incest

2006-02-24T15:23:00.000-06:00

Michel Foucault and Gilles Deleuze traveled back in time to the 17th century to have their love child. He was named "Athanasius Kircher" and abandoned in a monastery. Then Deleuze and Foucault traveled back to the present, and spent the rest of their days in a bizarre love triangle with Guy Debord, who, as it turns out, was actually their direct descendent, and he managed to prove excellent at scheming and backstabbing. Foucault soon tired of the affair and took to losing himself in San Franciscan decadence, where he contracted AIDS and died. Debord, in a lame attempt to rekindle his passion with Deleuze, kidnapped him and traveled to post-WWII Slovenia where the two lived in a hovel, warmed only by their body heat. Under these romantic circumstances their love flourished, and they fathered Slavoj Zizek. After coming back to the early 90s, the pair were perusing an alternative bookstore when they ran across "Looking Awry." Crying "Our sins have come home to roost!" they grabbed hands and committed suicide, united only in death.

Chevalier Mal Fet

2006-02-23T11:42:00.000-06:00

It strikes me that while my thesis bodes very well for my blogging output, my blogging output bodes very ill for my thesis. Could this be the fabled FoucaulDian reversal? Discuss.

If It Ain't Baroque, Don't Fix It

2006-02-22T16:49:00.000-06:00

To all the millions of Americans suffering from depression and ADD, I have good news. That's right: The cure has been right under our noses, invented in the year 1650, this whole time! Without further ado, I present the cat piano. Who do we have to thank for this? Athanasius Kircher, man of God, polymath, and nutjob. Anyway, according to the Kircher society, the story goes: "In order to raise the spirits of an Italian prince burdened by the cares of his position, a musician created for him a cat piano. The musician selected cats whose natural voices were at different pitches and arranged them in cages side by side, so that when a key on the piano was depressed, a mechanism drove a sharp spike into the appropriate cat’s tail. The result was a melody of meows that became more vigorous as the cats became more desperate. Who could not help but laugh at such music? Thus was the prince raised from his melancholy." Seriously, I mean who could be depressed when you're laughing at cats getting stabbed in the tails? At the very least, you're better off than those poor feline souls. But later on, this guy Johann Christian Reil hypothesizes that it could cure "attention disorders" according to some U of C professor Anyway, I guess there you have it. I'll throw away all my Wellbutrin if you'll find me some cats to torture. Deal? Deal.

In other news, although Achewood is manifestly my favorite comic strip, and its past two major story arcs (Cartilage Head and the GOF) have been feats of unparalled comedic genius, WTF is up with the hideously atrophied merch? Mr. Onstad could literally take any one of the frames from his auspicious comics and put it on a tee and it would be better than the shit that's on there now. WHY is the graphic for Cartilage Head so improbably miniscule that you need reading glasses to even recognize the viz.? And WHY is the shirt for the Great Outdoor Fight simply a shirt that says "Great Outdoor Fight" on it?? PUT THE LATINO HEALTH CRISIS ON A SHIRT. At the very least, put the image of Ray ripping that dude's face off on a shirt. Please.

Nothing says "tasty" like chicken with mole sauce

2006-02-20T23:22:00.000-06:00

Seriously, it's so good. I implore you all to try it, and making it yourself gives you a sense of accomplishment that you just don't get from ordering it at On The Border, as much as I love that fine dining establishment. In other news, the protagonist of Grey's Anatomy is getting thinner (and greyer) by the minute. And let's just leave the issue of that hideous dress for another day.

It won't be too long till she's looking like this former high-profile TV star:

Speaking of, did you know that Ally McBeal DVDs have yet to be released in the United States because of "music rights" issues? What do I want? My favorite David E. Kelley dramedy starring a bevy of anorexic women on DVD! When do I want it? Now!

At the same time, Grey's Anatomy is definitely my favorite emotionally manipulative medical melodrama currently on TV, so I really can't complain too much about poor Ms. Pompeo. She's probably got enough on her mind, what with Dr. McDreamy and all.

Irony is getting expensive, and other clothing woes

2006-01-30T12:01:00.000-06:00

So about a month ago, I bought my first new pair of jeans in years, at E Street Denim, the world-famous expensive jeans emporium that happens to be mere minutes from my suburban point of origin. And I loved them. Loved them! But it turns out, they're designed by Justin Timberlake! And let me tell you, they were not cheap! The name of the jeans company is William Rast, and there is absolutely NOTHING on these jeans to make you think they're designed by Justin Timberlake. Nothing! I feel slightly betrayed, but I do have to say that I still think the pockets are way cute. Still, while I'm still at the Boots manse I might as well head over to E Street and get myself a new, non-Timberlake pair of dungarees. But NOT True Religion, no effing way, cuz those jeans are ugmos.

In other news, I finally got my pair of Tsubo Shoes that I ordered like a month ago from City Soles which is like the best shoe store in Chicago. At the same time, within a couple days of wearing them, the suede ripped! It's not a large rip right now, to be sure, but still needs to be repaired. These rips have a tendency to get bigger, and I do NOT want that to happen. Luckily the cobbler in Princeton is really excellent, so he'll probably be able to do something. Also, my cursed J. Timberlake jeans already stained the lighter suede when it was raining the other day, so maybe I'll get them cleaned too. Damn you, William Rast!

Well, at least I'm still loving my Oliver Peoples glasses. It's so American Psycho, which is always in style.

Vacuously yours,

Boots

Weekend Update

2006-01-29T02:22:00.000-06:00

All I have to say is: Sayonara, first semester! And good riddance! Boy am I glad that one's over. In other news, here are a few of my favorite things:

Oliver Peoples Glasses
Dragon Quest VIII
David Croenenberg
Match Point
SSX3, and Bfoo

I had something to say, but I totally forgot it. Sorry!

Comment Spam, and Other Things

2005-11-02T16:07:00.000-06:00

-I love House, and Hugh Laurie

-This post was dumb, so I changed it

-I am eating a LOT, because that is what Fall Break is all about

-Vanity Fair is a much better magazine than people think

Two Redheads (and a Brief Excursus on Pomegranates)

2005-11-02T13:27:00.000-06:00

NYMag's horrifying puff piece on MoDo has left me alternately nonplussed and nauseated. It really makes me wonder whether Dowd or any of her friends actually qualify as adults. The obvious zest with which the author of the piece paints Dowd as the town whore, and the girlish glee with which Dowd plays into this is really disgusting, even for NYMag, which is obvy touch and go at best. Moments like this one are common:

And Dowd’s office just happens to be next door to her ex-boyfriend John Tierney’s. “It’s like, ‘Out of all the gin joints in all the world . . . ’ It is weird,” she says. “We share a bathroom, which I guess could have ended up happening if we’d gotten married.”

omfg that is so awkward! It's like they're totally living on the third floor of Terace. In the words of Anthony Lane (my hero) from his surpassing review of Star Wars III, "Break me a fucking give." Even worse is when a clearly tittilated Levy asks Dowd if she was sleeping with Howell Raines when he was EIC of the Times.

Anyway, it's probably worth a read because it is not as bad as her Times Mag book excerpt and manages to get across the same points, if you can cut through the block quotes of various Washington males waxing poetic about her flame-haired flair, moxie, and whatever dated 1930s slang she can come up with. Clearly, the poor woman is living in some kind of Kate Hepburn fantasy land. Which is fine for her, but her ill-conceived feminist posturing hardly does the woman's movement any good. Much like David Brooks, her comrade-in-columnry, she makes dead-on observations about the world, only to draw ludicrous conclusions. Also, I don't understand how she shanghaied Michiko Kakutani into friendship, who, despite her somewhat devastating review of Infinite Jest, I obviously, slavishly, admire.

Let's be perfectly frank right now. Much of this article slavers about Dowd's appearance as if she were Britney Spears. It's yet another example of how, in the Hollywood of Ugly People that is DC (MoDo got her start in the Washington bureau), you only have to be marginally attractive as a woman to win the undying attention and affection of everyone around you. What's even worse is how she plays into it, trying to evoke some kind of apocryphal Old Hollywood screwball glamour when she should have gotten over that in college. Part of Dowd's appeal is that she's a provocateur. The fact that she and apparently everyone else assumes that her sexuality is the provocative part is an insult to everyone's intelligence. Now, while she is remarkably well-preserved for a woman my mother's age, she is no great prize, even among middle-aged redheads.

Not so the woman pictured above. Geena Davis is resplendent in her role as POTUS Mackenzie Allen in ABC's hit new series Commander-in-Chief. When the series first came out, reviews were generally tepid and people (like me) placed bets on how quickly it would be cancelled. After "Cutthroat Island," after all, Davis's career was basically DOA. Add her Olympic archery bid and you have the stuff of has-been legend.

Now, nothing says "a barrel full of monkey-fun" to me like "washed-up movie star's debut TV drama," and the overblown premise of CIC seemed especially ripe for parody. I eagerly awaited the laughs and dreamed of the witty rejoinders the material would spur in me. When I sat down to watch the second episode, however, something strange happened: I got sucked in. Even though her young child looks more like Sadako from "Ringu" than Amy Carter, and some of the family moments are triumphs of bad acting, I didn't laugh. The dynamic between Davis and her nemesis, played with a Machiavellian glee by Donald Sutherland, is riveting. While the characters are painted in broad, Manichean strokes, the political dynamic avoids the warped-mirror party politics of that other show about the President in favor of a clash between Allen's maverick instincts (a former Republican turned Independent) and Party orthodoxy. There are a lot of things I don't like about the show; some of the situations are impossibly contrived, and an unreformed lefty like me can hardly agree with the politics(except with the no-brainer human rights issues that occasionally work their way in), but most of it does make for good TV.

The other thing that Davis does, and does very well, is that she creates a believable female president. Her femininity is clearly an issue, but it isn't as foregrounded as one might expect. And while Davis is far too attractive to make it in Washington, and though she is smartly dressed on the show, her beauty never becomes distracting, either to the male characters or the spectators.

Basically it's hard to explain how this show works so well, since some aspects of it are bone-crunchingly formulaic, and the way that each policy disaster resolves itself by the end of the episode is a little ludicrous. Still, I think what's ultimately so applealing about it is that it provides the first remotely plausible woman in power that we've seen in a long time, one who's not being played for laughs, or being portrayed as a frigid bitch or a social-climbing whore. Originally, the role was intended for Joan Allen (of "The Contender"), as one might guess from the protagonist's last name. In my opinion, however, Davis brings a warmth to the role that a sometimes icy Allen may have lacked. Anyway, it's certainly tapped into something in the zeitgeist, and while conservative conspiracy theorists can go ahead and spin rumors about it's readying the country for Hillary '08 (Mackenzie Allen is nothing like Hils), I'm content just to watch it on Tuesdays at 9. Or at least download it, because usually I'm watching "House" in that timeslot. All I can say is that I hope they both make it through the season.

In conclusion, I'd pick Geena Davis as my twenty-first century redhead feminist role model over Maureen Dowd any day of the week, even Sunday.

In other news, pomegranates are delicious. Today I heard that they were the original forbidden fruit of the bible. I believe it, because they're way tastier and more vaginal than apples. I eat them all the time, and when I write my memoirs they will totally be my madeleines. And yes, my memoirs will be like 12 volumes long.

WHAT!

2005-10-21T16:07:00.000-05:00

I am back, bitches. By which i mean "Konichiwa, Bitches" by ROBYN is the hot new single that is sure to sweep the nation, by which i mean the space where my corpus callosum used to be. Seriously, it may be a Swedish import but Robyn's self-titled album is totally worth it. Plus, you can get the exciting opportunity to pay with the Swedish Krona, which will look really hot on your bank statement, I can tell you that right now.

In other news! Please welcome Moon Sash Productions to the blog-o-sphere. Because I am cowed and ashamed by Ari's prodigious and manly output, I have decided to redouble my scriptorial efforts by posting LOST and Commander-in-Chief crossover fanfic (OMG Sayid and Mac?? Can someone say star-crossed lovers??)and also cryptic yet draconian pronunciations about what music I am listening to.

Finally, Laguna Beach has been supplanted in my heart by Lacuna Beach, which is a TV show I made up about giving experimental brain surgery to teenagers. It's been a fun semester so far, filled with the nameless horror of existence and the inscrutable yet omnipresent thrum of the Destiny-machine.

Stay tuned!

Luv,

ME

Things about appendicitis it is good to know

2005-08-30T22:46:00.000-05:00

1. When you first get appendicitis, the all-consuming abdominal pain is diffuse, not focused on the lower right quadrant. It is only later, when the appendix is about to burst, that the pain focuses into the lower right quadrant.

2. There is a name for the small, hardened fecal mass that can block the appendix and cause inflammation. That name is "fecalith."

3. If you push on the lower right quadrant of your abdomen and it hurts in the lower left quadrant, get yourself to an emergency room.

In conclusion, recovery sucks, but I love Laguna Beach.

More from the Dept. of Uncanny Resemblances...

2005-07-13T23:09:00.000-05:00

Iron Chef America? More like, Iron Chef GORILLA!

Kennewick Man Redux

2005-07-07T16:31:00.000-05:00

I swear on the Precious that I didn't make this one up, but it's almost too good to be true. While perusing the July 2005 issue of Harper's magazine, I came across Jack Hitt's article on the Kennewick Man controversy, which debunks most of the evidence surrounding the Legend of Whitey, but that's not all. Buried in the article is an episode involving a quote from James Chatters, the salvage archaeologist who discovered the allegedly "Caucasoid" skull:

"It's important to know this history and tradition [European representations of Native Americans as having European features] when you consider the image conjured by Chatters when he asked an artist to take the Kennewick skull and reconstruct the face. Well, if only that was precisely what he did. But Chatters didn't just hand the skull to someone and ask him to reconstruct the face. Instead, he had an epiphany, as he explained once, right at home: "I turned on the TV, and there was Patrick Stewart--Captain Picard, of Star Trek--and I said, 'My god, there he is! Kennewick Man.'""

What follows that excerpt is the very picture I posted here at Ausom, Inc, in a bizarre case of blogs imitating nutjobs with ancient skulls imitating Gene Roddenberry. For those readers not familiar with the Kennewick Man "facts" here is a rough summary: Kennewick Man is 10,000 years old, of European descent, and was killed by a horde of marauding Mongoloid invaders. Their descendents are Native Americans.

I'd like to offer my own account into the fray: In the 24th Century, Captain Picard and the Enterprise crew were making their way through an unexplored sector of the Alpha Quadrant when they hit upon a Space-Time Anomaly that sent the Enterprise careering not only back to Earth, but also more than 10,000 years in the past! Stranded and with little hope of rescue, almost everyone died, including Captain Picard (he was totally old), until the plucky team of Riker, LaForge, Data, and Troi devised a way to modulate the graviton pulse phase-shift and cause a subspace disturbance, allowing them to escape into another time. They'll be dropping in on modern-day Seattle any day now.

It should be noted that the actual skull of Kennewick man also bears a striking resemblance to another famous Patrick.

Apocalypse Now!

2005-07-01T17:18:00.000-05:00

If the state of the SCOTUS is any indication, the end times are near. Not only is David Souter's place of habitation in jeopardy, but now Sandra Dee is throwing in the towel. Add that to bad news for stoners and StreamCast, and Boots here is starting to feel like Antonin fucking Scalia.* What is the world coming to? Enjoy your civil liberties while you still have them, bitches!

Luckily, I am saved from utter uselessness and despair by celebrities, who clearly need my help. Where would I be without them?

P.S. Kudos to Brooke Shields for making the case for psychiatry in a courageous and classy manner. LeAnne DeVette should take notes.

In other news, the purportedly 9,600-year-old Kennewick Man is discovered, studied, but I'll argue that he hasn't even been born yet:

That's right, kids: We report, you decide.

*Ausom, Inc. apologizes for the political nature of parts of this post.

I'm back!

2005-06-05T19:57:00.000-05:00

Fear for your lives, friends and foes! The summer is upon us, and with the summer, I shall be returning to my weblog. Although currently intoxicated, I promise exciting content soon! There will be nothing else to do, esp. after a little surgical procedure on the 10th. That's right, it's septoplasty time. Hopefully it'll alleviate the sinus troubles. If not, maybe I can go on "I Want A Famous Face" and give the rest of my life over to the pursuit of plastic perfection, or mimesis.

2005-02-22T16:20:00.000-06:00

Boots hasn't had much "leisure time" recently, and I haven't really encountered anything quite the caliber of "Rhyme of the Instant Marinator," which probably has more than a little to do with the dearth of enthusiasts' catalogs in my current locale. The New Yorker, however, is abundant, and I urge my readers to check out the fascinating article about Ice Man's shoes in the last issue. Also, Sealab 2021 has reaffirmed my faith in its hilarity due to a viewing of 13 or so consecutive episodes.

"You totally rule, Marduk."
"I totally already knew that."

Home Sweet Home Cont'd

2005-01-26T18:18:00.000-06:00

As some of the brighter folk among you probably ascertained from the last post, Boots is spending a much-needed holiday at the Illinois manse. Boots Senior recently noted that we could purchase The Rhyme of the Instant Marinator from the Herrington Catalog. Boots Junior has been extolling the virtues of this product at least since Christmas, when I last perused said catalog, so I am sure my dear readers can imagine that I was a little miffed at my father's inattentiveness. That said, it is a pretty interesting concept, but I have recently read that marinating meat for over an hour doesn't make a difference flavor-wise, and I'm not sure why one would need to marinate something instantly. Obviously, though, what makes this product so unique is its name. One would think that if the Herrington posse were true Coleridge aficionados, however, they would've named it the Rime of the Instant Marinator instead. And since I believe the poem is in public domain (though I could be wrong) I don't think it's a copyright issue. Still, given the rest of the quotidian names in the Herrington oeuvre, (and believe you me, I've seen 'em all) it's hard to imagine from whence this particular one came, unless it was an Ivy League intern of dubious intelligence on his/her way out, or something.

Mommy Dearest

2005-01-26T15:27:00.000-06:00

Boots' mother is fascinated in the comings and goings of Ausom, Inc., so I thought I would oblige her curiosity by demonstrating how to post using Blogger's simple, intuitive interface. This is probably of little interest to most of our dear readers, but bear with me, here.

Basedow: The Denouement

2005-01-21T10:21:00.000-06:00

So, it looks like Boots was taken for a ride. Check out FMS and notice the text in purple about midway through the page. Basedow has never even been to Thailand? I'll believe it when I see the brand new half-hour infomercial, which may well indeed be later this week.

The (wo)Man, the Myth, the Listerine

2005-01-19T09:20:00.000-06:00

From Boots' hometown rag, the Trib: a woman was arrested for drunk driving after imbibing a nauseating 3 glasses of the yellow elixir.

In other fascinating Listerine news, a judge has ruled that rinsing with Listerine is not equivalent to flossing, a claim that first came to Boots' attention when I purchased a bottle of the same last night. Though it may have taken a judge to navigate the finer points of Pfizer's claims, I think it's pretty obvious to the layman the differences between Listerine and flossing:

Flossing: Tastes like mint, or cinnamon, or your personal, natural, and horrifying halitosis. Benefits: gets the corn, poppyseeds, and broccoli out of one's teeth. Drawbacks: Causes gums to intermittently bleed, see above re: halitosis.

Listerine: Tastes like FreshCitrus, CoolMint, FreshBurst (I think this may have been discontinued) or the original SatansFury. Benefits: Has over four times the alcohol content of most malt liquors, conceals halitosis. Drawbacks: Has over four times the alcohol content of most malt liquors, does not get the corn, poppyseeds, or broccoli out of one's teeth.

See? Easy-peasy, says Boots.

For a brief Basedow update, please see my other happy home.

If Ausom is just not enough for your discerning palate

2005-01-12T15:37:00.000-06:00

Be sure to sally on forth to Fitness Celebrity, which is my brand new chain-gang blog. Joining me are Hat-Tastic, JewFro, and Scarfer, noted personages, or something.

A few things

2005-01-11T04:10:00.000-06:00

Fitness Celebrity John Basedow is missing after the tsunami. According to an anonymous tipster, Phuket is a notorious mecca of man-boy fraternizing. Regardless, the implications of this disturbing news on Boots's late-night TV watching habits are troubling. The presence of the absence of "Fitness Made Simple" infomercials during "Law & Order" and its superior cousin "Law & Order: SVU" will probably reverberate for years, or at least weeks, to come. And so soon after the death of Jerry Orbach. When it rains, it pours.

On a slightly more humorous note, apparently long hair runs counter to Socialist Lifestyle. I especially appreciated the part about the "'negative effects' of long hair on 'human intelligence development,'" which I guess explains why women are so retarded. The government-sanctioned 7cm combover, however, is completely inexplicable.

Recent Dearth of Posts

2005-01-07T19:17:00.000-06:00

Today, Boots has a hangover, and before that, she was without internet access. Though a disturbing trend, it will be corrected in the future. Just not right now.

The Other Ausom, Inc.

2004-12-29T02:52:00.000-06:00

I honestly had no idea This was here. What makes the plot even thicker is that I am a Macintosh user, and once, I went to Australia. Shadowy conspiracy, anyone?

Comments

2004-12-28T01:21:00.000-06:00

At the behest of friends who shall remain anonymous (let's just say there's one of them, and his name is "Dave M.") I've gone and enabled comments, but only on new posts. So, if you have anything to say about posts previous, you best say it here.

Holiday Cheer for the Whole Family

2004-12-24T15:47:00.000-06:00

Above is a still from my favorite holiday feature, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus. From the same team that brought you Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, originally a story by L. Frank Baum, is a charming pagan retelling of the classic Christmas story, casting Santa Claus as a good human soul raised by an assortment of immortal forest denizens:

Claus, as he is known, wants to brighten the days of all children by making them toys. Unfortunately, the Evil Awgwas have other plans:

Rest assured, dear readers, that everythings turns out all right for Claus and the forest-dwellers.

Also rest assured that I am not in the employ of Rankin and Bass's street team.

Oh,

2004-12-24T11:31:00.000-06:00

Here's the link to that ILM rumour to which I cryptically referred.

Baseless ILM rumour turned troubling fact

2004-12-24T11:18:00.000-06:00

Insound has a street team.

Now that Pitchfork has placed "Toxic" (among others) as its pick for 3rd best single of the year, is indie rock truly in its death throes?

I'll leave you with a quote from Insound's street team:

"Trust us on this one. People will laugh at you if you try claiming you discovered The Unicorns in 2005. It will get ugly real fast. Seriously."

In the words of nickd: ..............................................

Ausom, Inc.: Explication and brief mission statement

2004-12-23T01:54:00.000-06:00

The etymology of the word "ausom" is much too byzantine to be contained in the modest confines of this particular corner of the inter-net. Suffice to say that this arcane and alternate spelling of "awesome" is meant to connote something slightly different than the original term. "Ausom" has a certain intangible aspect, a shimmering uniqueness that resists definition.
By example, a duet of ausom phrases:

"Hoisted on your own petard"
"Plump, yet with an air of melancholy"

Hence, I started this little weblog by providing brief introductions to some of the most ausom things of which I could think. Perhaps a little didactic, even a tad pedantic, I nevertheless tried to encapsulate what made each of these phenomena ausom in their own way.

This space will be dedicated to all things ausom, and some things that, in opposition to "ausom" as such, help illuminate the implications of ausomness. Think of it as a semiotic journey. So grab my hand, dear signified, as we set off on a journey into the great lexical unknown.

Lindsay Lohan

2004-12-23T01:50:00.000-06:00

Lindsay Lohan is the star of the wickedly funny teen comedy that also appeals to adults, "Mean Girls." Her recent interview in "Entertainment Weekly" is highly recommended reading for anyone interested in this up-and-coming young starlet.

The Proletariat

2004-12-23T01:49:00.000-06:00

There are those of us out there who refuse to give up on the ideals of Perpetual Revolution. They are the eternal friends of the Universal Proletariat. Working, farming and comradely love are of interest.

Nanomachines

2004-12-23T01:45:00.000-06:00

Nanomachines are tiny robots that operate most effectively in swarms. Self-replicating and self-organizing, they will transform this green earth into a mass of grey goo. In this respect, they are much like Katamari Damacy, but less colorful, being mostly grey.

Yellow Journalism

2004-12-23T01:40:00.000-06:00

"Yellow Journalism" is a phenomenon that started in the Spanish-American War. Today, the phrase is synonymous with the name of William Randolph Hearst.

Katamari Damacy

2004-12-23T01:34:00.000-06:00

Katamari Damacy is the best video game ever made, with the exception of Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Katamari Damacy is great because of its simple yet intuitive gameplay, astounding music, and whimsical graphics. Duh.

Roughage

2004-12-23T01:29:00.000-06:00

Roughage is delicious. In the form of salad, drizzled with a little balsamic vinegar, it can help preserve regularity in a well-balanced diet.

Shillelaghs

2004-12-22T23:41:00.000-06:00

Shillelaghs have a variety of uses. In summation, shillelaghs are of interest, sometimes.